01/09/24

hi everyone, offcially my first diary entry!!! get ready for many many spelling mistakes. I often word babble / etc so apologize for that. im so excited to share my thoughts and feelings with you. im not quite sure where to start other than this will be very personal to me. I really do want a place to call my own and express my feelings. If anything my site is currently under construction but i feel like this is the virtual equivalent of when your in the process of moving into a new apartment or home and your sitting down on the floor with takeout or something. im not quite sure if i should spill my guts before or after im not setting up the place. I feel uncomfortable doing so just because of the uncertainty of what the format can become. Ah oh well. ill just copy and past the diary entry into google docs and call it a day. if thats the case then ....heeheehee!! i can start doing whatever!!!.
you know i started this diary as a outlet. to be honest i feel like im in a period of my life where i am very lonely. I am grateful for everyone ive met and the experiences ive made but for a large portion of my life ive felt unable to connect to most people in my enviorment.(again Apologies for typos)

ill redo this site and kick myself in the ass for how badly i couldnt wait to start typing lol.you know im so happy , little by little im learning how to code, im a very very impatient person and i often rush things. Ill do my best but i dont want to show this to anyone i know. I already know ill break that rule lol. Ah oh well. i feel like i should tell my whole life story... but i think ill just vent for a while. Im happy i stuck with this so far, even as rudementry as it is. Its like when a teenager begs for the room in the attic in a sitcom because it provides them more privacy.Idk. i feel bad right now. I feel bad for many reasons which i feel i can go as deep as i want right now. Maybe someday ill put a password when i feel a little too open idk.

(uh oh angsty self loathing time) ah oh well , i feel that i dissapointed alot of people - freinds mostly. I wont act a victim but i feel that i can express the weight thats been on me for some time. I feel immense guilt for the things ive felt and thought. things ive thought about people , felt etc etc. I feel like a bad person during and after. I feel (and i know it cant be true) that i am bad at my core. Ive always been on a journey of self actualization since i was young.But ive always felt so jealous and guilty of how i cant maintain freindships with people. ive never been in a relationship as well and quite honestly i would be worried if or when i do.i feel so scared in many of my freindships, and its not them its me.i feel so fake all the time, and by fake i feel like i lost myself awhile ago. but there are so many things im starting to realize.

im very very hopeful , i love life so much, i love the air, the sun, the grass, the trees, the fact i can cry and be heartbroken over stuff. Browsing stores, laying in bed with my mom in the morning and hearing my brother laugh. Eating my grandmas food and getting rides from my grandpa. Sharing posts with my aunt, picking fleas off my cat and covering my face with my blanket when the sun hits my face. Im grateful for that, i know its small and mundane compared to the complexity and cruelty of the world. But life is beautiful to me in small moments. im a sentimental person, i know ill gag when i reread this but whatever, im crying right now. I did just get my period today lol so my hormones are all out of whack.im definitely not sharing this with people.

yup that was a good cry, its 3:57 am, i love logging the past. I love it so much. I think i do live in the past alot. i see certain people and either i feel immense guilt for how ive treated them or unfortunately resentment from how they treated me. I feel extreme most of the time, i want to learn to stop being so attention seeking. So jealous when people dont give me attention. Its like i immediately default to thinking they are mad at me for something ive done or they much prefer the other person more than myself. I know its not true, ive known that for so long, by my Instantaneous feelings jump before my logic. My low self worth and esteem have really taken a toll on me for sure. idk i think just , i wish i can feel ok being who i am and acceot myself as i am. But i feel fundamentally wrong or i feel like im constantly this bad person and i need to do better. Im afraid of "wronging" others. I can feel my words turn to gossip or something negative or annyoing or out of touch. i feel expressing myelf like this to the internet is a bit ... bad. however i think i mostly take a constructive approach to this. or you know what, whatever lifes to short to care. i have fun typing my feelings out and decorating them lol.

this will probably be my longest entry or ehhh maybe not. ill log how i am however. Ill love looking back. i feel scared , anxious over how my school year will start and continue. i feel that i made many mistakes and i distanced myself from most of my freinds. the ugliest feeling ive been experiencing alot recently is navigating social events at my school. its at those times i feel so lonely and guilty for the ways ive acted and treated others. i know i deserve it and i must accept it. i wish i could just be myself and not have these feelings tied to me. Im scared however, scared that if i do express myself that ill say something wrong or annoying. i miss the relationships i had , i miss certain people alot. i feel gross thinking of how much time i spent focusing on crushes ive had.nothing ever happened and they were all extremely one sided and from afar. But i spent so much mental energy because i was craving validation so much. i dont want to do that again and thankfully i havent for the last several months/year. it still persists a bit but not to the extent that it was. i want to clean myself up and try some cute outfits. Im really into morikei and j fashion. i have this one outfit in mind that i really enjoy. its this sleek dry linen(?) skirt with embroidered pink flowers and green vines. paired with my off shoulder pink sweater. its so cute. I pair it with a necklace that a dear freind gave to me. speaking off.... i need to send her this doll i bought for her. it was pretty inexpensive but its still very cute.

the doll is a korean brand doll, Ddung miniso . the strawberry one fits her much better because of her hair color but this one was the only one i could find.She deserves it. I hope she likes it when i give it to her . i miss her every day.
i fell asleep and its now 1pm lol. yeah i gotta sleep better. Im cleaning my room right now - wash the dishes - do my laundry and organize my makeup drawer. sorry if it seems like all i do is complain but this is a outlet for me to express my feelings and yeah i feel anxious/paranoid again. last night i saw a freind of mine that I distanced myself from. i did this because i felt very Disrespected and unappreciated for a while, but to be fair i dont know. every situation is never black or white and i feel that i have a large tendancy to be dramtic and dysfunctional in my freindships. i feel that if ive done something wrong that i feel embarrassed and i have to distance myself because i feel my ego bruised / i dont deserve them. I always talk to my therapist about how this. i chronically want to hang out again but i feel dissapointment everytime i go back. Its not fair to them for me to be so hot and cold - so id rather just be from a sidelines. i felt so lonely around the group but i feel lonely without them.

yeah many people dont like me but its not for no reason. i understand and im in the process of accepting it, it hurts alot but its the consequences of my actions. i dont want to say i deserve it in a sense of that i am bad at my core but more that this is of my actions, ive done bad things but that does not mean i cant change the way i act. i feel that i flip flop too , i dont know. pretty often i let my emotions and desires take control of how i act, my jealousy, my need for attention and my resentment. I want to live in the moment, but the second i perceive someones dislike of me i crumble. It feels awful. i feel stupid that i accpect to feel like this , or that i choose to let it hurt me. i have to hurry because i have errands to run but ill come back. I think spilling my guts here is better than on my close freinds story lololol.

i have this hugemongous desire to show this website to people but i must resist... i want to keep something intimate to myself only, i dont want to want attntion and habits are hard to break but i can do it!!! ok maybe just my layout ill showoff ahehehehe

oh ok back again i feel so ANXIOUS!!!! i wanna cryyyy eeeekkkkk!!!! i feel like something bad is gunna happen ... i know its not so i should be ok - its a feeling in my chest - it feels straining - like something is being pulled from me and slowly waiting to jump out of my throat. its sharp and high i hate it so much. i feel like a faliure most of the time but i know thats not true. i know im not anything like that!! i just wish my emotions and physical body felt the same way. i just want to feel calm and not like im always running out of time.... eeeeeekkk!!!!! its ok - i always feel like this but ill be alive and thast what matters - as long as i can feel the sun on my face and smell the breeze ill be ok.

getting severe delusional fomo again... i will learn to love being alone again i will i will.... i see stories of people hanging out togther and my mind jumps to the worst conclusions, which is a ego thing i know. i have to be ok, i feel sad that i feel that im not bonding or have a close connection to my mutual freinds. i feel so lonely when i think about it. and how eventually i feel that ill be left behind. its a ugly ugly feeling. i dont know how to not think of it in a constructive way. my mom gave me great advice however, - people are changing and you are leanring as well. dont be too hard on yourself. i really wanna type these things out on my private story for people to see them. i think its a cry for attention, help , its a call for me to say that i feel these things , im not shallow , i want to say im sorry - i want to build a connecion to people. i dont trust people to be honest. i genuinely only trust my mom , aunt , and my brother,. everyone else i feel unease with. I feel that i can only be my true self and accpeted by my mom and brother.

i feel guilt for forcing connections - and also when i develop feelings for those people - its happened to me alot and i feel guilt because for the other side , they did nothing wrong. i feel dirty and fake for having these feelings and i feel like its not real, and to an extent its true , however i think ive felt genuine love for another person before and its amazing, i felt happy , warm and it was unconditional. the unconditional part was what made me hopeful for myself. of course it hurts that it cant be reciprocated however im just happy to felt it. i dont care if they never do anything for me or etc etc i just want them to be happy and safe. I accept them as they are in their entirety and i mean that in a sense that i dont even feel that for myself. which means im not ready for a relationship. i know i have the capacity to love another person and im so happy to feel that. Whatever happens i do care but eventually ill look back at the memories of how i felt and experienced. i dont expect anything - im just happy they exist and that i was able to meet them. I feel often i force connections so i often doubt every freind ship i have. it feels wonderful to have people reach out to me. sending me posts, texts hangout etc. i love it so much. anyways not to end on a negative note but i dont trust myself so how can i trust others? i need to learn to trust myself. i feel better now!! i was crying while typing this and i feel much better.

01/10/24

Hi everyone!! cheating by adding this the day after the 10th - however i have several memories / experinces i want to share. i fell asleep late and woke up pretty late lol - i got ready in time to catch the bus train bus to my location - my optomitrist! i needed to grab my new glasses - i love the thin rectangle frames of the second pair that i recived. The public transport scares me like usual but i managed. love you google maps. i felt very beautiful as i decided to dress up that day. my arm and lower back pain is here - arm is usual but my back is what worries me.... ill update - i feel bruised up.. anyways the ride was well - i played soduko (soduku?) most of the way and was looking around every ten seconds. at the last minute i left my backpack of clothes with a freind as i didnt want to bring so much weight and make myself look like a even bigger target... thankfully nothing happened. i was SOOO tired after i came home - so in total i traveled about 4-5 hours on public transport? thankfully im leanring more and more and feel more comfortable every time i do so. it was bus -> train -> bus -> destination -> subway -> bus. thankfully i walked a total of like .... 20 minutes? not too bad. so i come home and see my brother!! also my grandma stoped by to pick up some pain meds for her arm. im so happy when he asked me to make him a grilled cheese and he specified "do NOT make it black" - i have a tendancy to burn grilled cheeses. i feel happy whenever people tell me to do something - someone other than my mom. i like that they feel comfortable to say stuff to me which makes me feel like they feel comfortable around me. i also went to dinner with my neighbors!! it was lovely - we talked about life and mostly about how we are percived about our art and person and what we do in return. the restaurant had one waiter which made me wonder what happened behind the scenes... we didnt wait long at all for our food and drinks thankfully. the Yuzu - lime aid - which was amazing..... i need to make it. i really apreciate my neighbors so much. they are so sweet and freindly - they really take the time to notice and reach out to me and my family. i need to text them thank you!! i also took a shower and had a chat with my mom and we watched the first ten minutes of marry my husband. -i slept in my grandmas room and it was so comfortable..... i also had the most vivid dream that i was an extra on set of a movie and paul dano was semi playing one of my favorite characters but also was that character!! and he kept saying my name hehehe. all of my family was on set and it turned to set to party! i cant remember too much other than i looked like my highschool self. i love dreaming so much , sometimes it was the biggest thing i would look forward too back in the day.

01/11/24

had a epic time with my mom - ate jersey mikes - wore (stole) my brothers spongebob tracksuit lol. bought a tinned fish because the packaging is beautiful!! i ate the fish with crackers and a greek yougurt sauce i made and shared it with freinds and i plan to sew a fish that matches the fish cover. i need to do it soon!! also got soooo scared while watching stuff with freinds it was kinda embarrassing but fun.

01/25/24

HOLYYYYY COWWWWW OMG OMG - im freaking out!!!! ok so i met this guy... on a dating app. hes so cute and sweet but the craziest part is that i actually met him last september!! it was at a film festival that my film got into - heres the kicker , me and a group of freinds kept buzzing by him because they were trying to encourage me to talk to him. i couldnt i was so nervous!!!!! i feel sick in a good way. I have crazyyy butterflies to think that he likes me. to be honest ive never had an experience like this. i feel happy excited and warm. we texted for about a week and now i asked him out. hes excited!! I am so anxious however, sometimes i feel like ill be a bad person to him idk how to explain it. like in general i feel that way towards anyone. But hes very nice. i really hope we can connect when we meet. GODDDD IM SO ANXIOUS!!! im ina vis dev class right now and i did a slighty annoying intro but whatever!! i have to and want to be a good person. i feel so normal sorta irl - i feel like when i see him ill be nervous of course but i wont have any alterior motives - i really want to experience romantically loving another person and i hope we can build a connection. hes so sweet but i dont know him that well yet. his art is beautiful - wimsy and sooo cute. hes very inspired by nature and i reallyyy like that about him. that feels so genuine. ill say more later but hes also soooooooo cute and the little gooby wooby texts we exchange make me feel crazyyyy. like i hope he feels the same way, i feel so much emotion, excitement and glee. Im so happy to experience this!!! also other great news i have a amazing scholarship!!. i feel so grateful to whatever is out there. thank you for everything i have. i want to use these things and experience it.

03/01/24

hinge guy was sooooo bad - he was so cheap!!! im so done!!! he was so cute but oh my freaking god!!! i felt like , NO i was doing all the work. i felt like a dummy talking all sweet to him , but the whole time i was like " this is dumb as fuck" goshhhhh thank god for my very good freind who stood with me for two weeks while i ended it wth this guy. i mean UGHHHH gross. But the last two weeks were amazing with her. I dont care about that guy at all. I feel scared sometimes however that i may break her boundaries by being so close to her. but we ended off on a good note. goshhhhh im so stressed out!!! i have to reapply to my job and also pray that the freind who stood with me also gets the job as well. pleaseeeeee let the both of us get both positions. i feel like more than anything i would beg for that to happen. or that she gets the jobs!!!. ok yeah i have alotttt of work to do so eekkk!!! ill come back soon and update!!!.